Road Sign Fun

Dry your tears, I say.

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No Woman, No Cry. What we have here is the ultimate break-up song for men. Men who have been badly hurt. Men who have had their hearts ripped out by some heartless, manipulative, soul-killing bitch-on-wheels.  Men so devastated that all they can do is sit in the government yards in Trenchtown and share cornmeal porridge with other emotionally castrated men. And presumably smoke mass quantities of marijuana.

Actually, according to Wikipedia, “No Woman, No Cry” is really entreating a woman not to cry. It would be rendered “No, woman, nuh cry” in Jamaican Patois. The “nuh,” which makes a shorter vowel sound for “no,” is the equivalent of the contraction “don’t.” So it would be, “No Woman, Don’t Cry.”

But the coolest thing about this song is that Bob Marley gave the songwriter credits to “V. Ford.” Vincent Ford was a friend of Marley’s who ran a soup kitchen in Trenchtown, the ghetto of Kingston, Jamaica where Marley grew up. The royalty checks received by Ford ensured the survival and continual running of his soup kitchen. In all probability, Bob Marley wrote the song, but wanted Vincent Ford — and the soup kitchen — to have the royalties. And stick it to the record company at the same time. Not bad.

This No Woman No Cry sign is available on posters, t-shirts, and other assorted crap cool stuff at the Road Sign Fun store.

Thanks for the warning…

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Is your life inappropriate for young children? Does it involve intense battle sequences, sensuality, bad language, and some smoking? Any crude language, irreverent humor, or brief drug references? What about sexuality, drug and alcohol content, reckless behavior, graphic violence, or brief nudity?

Do aliens occasionally burst from your chest? Do you think it’s okay to get out the ax when your wife locks herself in the bathroom with your psychic son? Do you refer to your friends as “droogs,” and commit acts of violence while performing “Singing in the Rain?” Do you like the smell of napalm in the morning? Is your name David Lynch?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you should probably come with some sort of warning. Lucky for you, we have you covered.

This viewer discretion advised warning is available on posters, t-shirts, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Try not to hit them before they hit the beach.

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The terrible sound of brakes squealing, followed by the instantaneous-eternal delay…and then the sickening sounds of blunt-force trauma and shattering surfboards. Lethal shards of blood-soaked polystyrene and fiberglass fly through the air, further endangering already endangered Piping Plovers. Gasoline tanker trucks encounter cleverly concealed ramps, flip, then burst into flame and explode for no apparent reason other than to satisfy a target audience of 13-year-old boys.

Another surfer tragically run down trying to cross the road to the beach. The EMTs do all they can, but it’s a losing battle. Ultimately, there’s nothing more they can do. It’s the Final Wipeout. Coughing up blood and fiberglass, the surfer utters his poignant last words. “Dude…I’m like…totally hosed…”

So senseless. If only there were some way to warn drivers about surfers crossing the road. But how?

Why did the surfer cross the road? Probably not to be killed. Maybe to avoid the ridiculous parking fees. No one knows for sure. But possibly this tragedy could have been averted with this simple sign, which is available on surfer t-shirts, surfing posters, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Take me to your beach, Earthling!

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Who can rip a monster wave while disintegrating humans? Alien Surfer, that’s who!

Yes, it’s Alien Surfer, strange visitor from another planet, with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men! Alien Surfer, who can change the course of mighty oceans, bend surfboards with his bare hands, and vaporize the human race!

Please note that alien surfers are prohibited in Arizona.

This rad and gnarly design is available on surfing posters, UFO & alien t-shirts, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Dum dum dum dum…

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You’re having a great time at the beach, frolicking with the harbor seals, when you hear people screaming something from the shore. And there’s some guy with a cello who keeps playing the same two notes over and over again. Suddenly the seals are gone and you find yourself face to face with one of the most terrifying creatures on Earth — Rush Limbaugh in a Speedo.

Okay, it’s not Rush Limbaugh, it’s a great white shark. As you swim for your very life, the guy with the cello plays faster and faster. Let’s face it, you’re in serious trouble, chum. (Get it? Chum?). It’s the soundtrack to your death, and when it gets to the part where the tuba kicks in, you’re shark meat. Oh, crap!

This design is available on posters, t shirts, sweatshirts, long sleeve t shirts, mousepads, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

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When John Williams first demonstrated his idea for the Jaws theme to Steven Spielberg, playing just the two notes on a piano, Spielberg was said to have laughed, thinking it was a joke. But it became probably the most recognizable piece of suspense music of all time.

All you have to do is start chanting, “Dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum,” and everyone knows it’s Jaws. That’s right up there with other lyric-less classics such as the theme from The Twilight Zone (doo-doo doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo) and the Wedding March (da-da da-dum, da-da da-dum).

This design is available on posters, t shirts, sweatshirts, long sleeve t shirts, mousepads, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Just grind it out.

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When it gets hard, you need to use your big tight end and keep grinding away until you score. Just blast it right up the middle. Really open up that hole and pound it through. Then take a shower.

This design  is available on posters, t shirts, sweatshirts, long sleeve t shirts, mousepads, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Another planet would be good.

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I don’t care if you’re a Republican, a Democrat, a left-wing subversive, or a right-wing neo-fascist.  If you run for elective office, there’s something basically wrong with you. Get some professional help, and please stop with the automated phone calls and commercials that insult our intelligence. GO AWAY.

This sign is available on posters, t shirts, political yard signs, sweatshirts, long sleeve t shirts, mousepads, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Try to make it to the bushes.

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All these rules and regulations about throwing up. Sometimes it seems ridiculous. Maybe we shouldn’t allow The Man to dictate where we can and cannot barf. Maybe we should rise up — and throw up — wherever we please, whenever we please. But I guess without the rules there would be complete anarchy. And a lot more vomit.

This unique design is available on college dorm room posters, cool tee shirts, and other merchandise at the Road Sign Fun store. This funny and slightly offensive t shirt even works as a funny pregnancy or maternity t shirt.

You’ve got the day off. Go Crazy.

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Ah, Sundays & Holidays. A perfect time to eat, drink, and be nauseous. Scarfing down junk food. Binge drinking. Projectile vomiting. Good times, good times. But for the rest of the week, you need to reign it in.  That’s where this sign comes in handy. You’re welcome.

This unique design is available on college dorm room posters, cool tee shirts, and other merchandise at the Road Sign Fun store. This funny and slightly offensive t shirt even works as a funny pregnancy or maternity t shirt.