Road Sign Fun

Dry your tears, I say.

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No Woman, No Cry. What we have here is the ultimate break-up song for men. Men who have been badly hurt. Men who have had their hearts ripped out by some heartless, manipulative, soul-killing bitch-on-wheels.  Men so devastated that all they can do is sit in the government yards in Trenchtown and share cornmeal porridge with other emotionally castrated men. And presumably smoke mass quantities of marijuana.

Actually, according to Wikipedia, “No Woman, No Cry” is really entreating a woman not to cry. It would be rendered “No, woman, nuh cry” in Jamaican Patois. The “nuh,” which makes a shorter vowel sound for “no,” is the equivalent of the contraction “don’t.” So it would be, “No Woman, Don’t Cry.”

But the coolest thing about this song is that Bob Marley gave the songwriter credits to “V. Ford.” Vincent Ford was a friend of Marley’s who ran a soup kitchen in Trenchtown, the ghetto of Kingston, Jamaica where Marley grew up. The royalty checks received by Ford ensured the survival and continual running of his soup kitchen. In all probability, Bob Marley wrote the song, but wanted Vincent Ford — and the soup kitchen — to have the royalties. And stick it to the record company at the same time. Not bad.

This No Woman No Cry sign is available on posters, t-shirts, and other assorted crap cool stuff at the Road Sign Fun store.

What a long, strange trip it’s been…

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Sometimes the light’s all shining on me. Other times I can barely see. But then I can usually find my glasses.

Okay, some of you younger people may be thinking, “Hey Gramps, the only place you’re truckin’ off to is the nearest assisted living facility.” And for some of us slightly older people, you may have a point.

But at least we had actual music, as opposed to electronic drumbeats, synthesized instruments, and inane lyrics. What are you going to listen to when you get to be our age? Lady Gaga? Justin Freakin’ Bieber? Get real, man.

But I know a lot of us are getting real, age and stereotypes be damned.

There are more than a few 17-year-olds who are seriously into Led Zeppelin, The Who, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, The Beatles, and yes, even The Dead.

And there are more than a few 40, 50, and even 60-something-year-olds who are seriously into The Shins, Death Cab for Cutie, The Airborne Toxic Event, Broken Bells, The Avett Brothers, Young the Giant, and the Black Keys. And as we drive our teenagers around, we can even summon up some sort of musical appreciation for Lady Gaga, may God have mercy on our souls.

Look, it doesn’t really matter who made it, or when. It just has speak to us on some level. It just has to rock.

This Dead Head sign is available on posters, t-shirts, and other assorted crap cool stuff at the Road Sign Fun store.

Don’t make me release the Quiet Coyotes…

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Hey, blabbermouth. Yes, it’s a beautiful day. No, I can’t believe that guy said that to you. That’s pretty weird, maybe you should see a doctor about that. No, I don’t want to look at it, your description was more than adequate.

I am now turning to my computer. Eye contact has been broken. I am placing my hands on the keyboard. My smile is becoming increasingly strained, and my responses have become barely audible grunts. But still you prattle on. Apparently, a stronger hint is required.

With this sign, there’s no need for sushing noises, harshly whispered threats of eviction, or even the “quiet coyote” hand signal. Perfect for work, libraries, schools, dorm rooms — anywhere you need to get the message across that people might eventually need to SHUT UP.

This funny Be Quiet sign is available on posters, t-shirts, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Thanks for the warning…

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Is your life inappropriate for young children? Does it involve intense battle sequences, sensuality, bad language, and some smoking? Any crude language, irreverent humor, or brief drug references? What about sexuality, drug and alcohol content, reckless behavior, graphic violence, or brief nudity?

Do aliens occasionally burst from your chest? Do you think it’s okay to get out the ax when your wife locks herself in the bathroom with your psychic son? Do you refer to your friends as “droogs,” and commit acts of violence while performing “Singing in the Rain?” Do you like the smell of napalm in the morning? Is your name David Lynch?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you should probably come with some sort of warning. Lucky for you, we have you covered.

This viewer discretion advised warning is available on posters, t-shirts, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Take me to your beach, Earthling!

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Who can rip a monster wave while disintegrating humans? Alien Surfer, that’s who!

Yes, it’s Alien Surfer, strange visitor from another planet, with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men! Alien Surfer, who can change the course of mighty oceans, bend surfboards with his bare hands, and vaporize the human race!

Please note that alien surfers are prohibited in Arizona.

This rad and gnarly design is available on surfing posters, UFO & alien t-shirts, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Um…reality is back this way…

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Are you sick and tired of the disproportionate amount of media attention attained by Tea Party lunatics — yes, lunatics — especially when most of them probably cannot spell “disproportionate” or “attained,” or use those terms correctly in a complete sentence?

Do you sometimes refer to John Boehner as “John Bone-Head?” Is Ron Paul the “Wrong Pol” for you? Do you consider Sarah Palin to be a real “Palin-The-Arse?” Do you own an autographed picture of Alan Dershowitz? Do you believe that Glenn Beck is the antichrist? Would you like to see Ann Coulter burned at the stake?

Do you base your coffee purchases on fair labor practices, sustainable agricultural practices, and rain forest preservation? Have you boycotted at least one company or industry in the past month? Do you pay extra for free-range chicken and avoid farm-raised fish? Do you actually like tofu?

Do you view displays of patriotism as the gateway to fascism? Do you consider the Pledge of Allegiance to be a form of child abuse? Do you believe that torture is wrong, except when it comes to Rush Limbaugh? Did you think it was wrong to celebrate the death of Osama Bin Laden because, after all, he was just a product of his environment?

Well then, comrade, this sign is for you. Wear it to your next atheist discussion group, Harvard or Berkeley extension school lecture, Greenpeace rally, vegetarian cooking class, or just whenever you feel like antagonizing others sparking a lively discussion.

This radical design is available on political posters, political t-shirts, sweatshirts, long sleeve t shirts, mousepads, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Or another.

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A one way sign…but with two arrows. So puzzling. So equivocal. So ambiguous. So — dare I say it — intellectually stimulating. And yet totally accessible, even for complete imbeciles. A metaphor for life, perhaps, where things are not always what they seem. A life in which there’s a sign on the street, but you want to be sure, because you know sometimes words have two meanings. Let’s face it, sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven. And it makes me wonder. Oooooh it really makes me wonder.

And it’s whispered that soon if we all buy this sign, then the piper will lead us to reason.  And a new day will dawn for those who buy one, and the forests will echo with laughter. Does anybody remember laughter?

This design is available on posters, t shirts, sweatshirts, long sleeve t shirts, mousepads, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

This should help clear the air.

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My job used to stink. Literally. There was this guy in my office — I’ll call him “Bob,” because that’s his real name — who used to come into my cubicle and fart all the time. I tried subtle hints, saying things like, “Hey Bob, I just happened to notice that it started to smell like human feces right after you came in here,” and, “Whoa, it smells like someone had Chinese again last night.” Nothing worked. But then I posted this sign, and Bob finally got the message. Now if I could just get him to stop sexually harassing me!

This design is available on posters, t shirts, sweatshirts, long sleeve t shirts, mousepads, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

Do you positively radiate sex appeal?

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Are you so hot you should come with a warning sign? Do you emit high doses of sex radiation, with drooling as one of the side effects? Do stars fall from the sky every time you walk by? Then this is the sign for you, Mr. or Ms. Tasty.

This design  is available on posters, t shirts, sweatshirts, long sleeve t shirts, mousepads, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.

I think I can fit you in then.

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Look, spontaneity is nice and everything, but let’s be realistic here. It can be tough to squeeze it in during the week. Sure, you can try to cram it in between other commitments, but who would be satisfied with such a quick, frenzied experience, other than men? Better to wait until you have time for a truly rich experience involving candle-lit bathtubs, bubble bath, scented oils, scattered rose petals, foot massages, reading poetry out loud to one another, painting your toenails, and long conversations.

This design  is available on posters, t shirts, sweatshirts, long sleeve t shirts, mousepads, and other unique gifts at the Road Sign Fun store.